Dear Me...

Recently I have become more and more aware of how our schedule has effected Rylee and Kolton this year.  Although they both are so resilient and adjusted well, I sometimes look at them and think WOW, when did you grow an inch or learn that?!  I am aware I am missing some moments I can't get back, but remind myself it is for the best.  The good out ways the bad.  Someone posted this on facebook from Blogher which I love... and it seemed to fit perfectly.  I can remember like yesterday when I had sweet babies instead of growing kids!  It also serves as a reminder that when I am trying to sleep between two squirmy children, to cherish that time instead of curse it... because soon they will stop wanting that time.  I hope that I will always be their safe place though! 

Dear Me 20 Years From Now,

I wonder if you've become one of those women who briefly lingers around, a safe distance behind, young moms carting their babies and toddlers through the grocery store with that far-off look in your eyes. If you gently smile at the mom when she looks up and catches your glance, obviously frazzled by how challenging taking 2 kids grocery shopping is, as if to tell her it's going to be okay. If you look at her and miss that time, want so badly to trade 5 minutes of the independence you have now that your kids are much older so that you can rest a toddler's head on your shoulder, or buckle a baby in their car seat, mindful not to pinch any belly chub in the harness.

I have a feeling that you might be, and there are some things I want you to know, some things I'm willing you to remember.

I want you to remember that they were the hardest thing you'd ever done. They challenged you, and they kept you up at night. They pushed your buttons, and they were never, ever quiet... unless they were in trouble. I want you to remember that you loved them the hardest you've ever loved anything, from day one, and every day after that.

I want you to know that you were completely overwhelmed nearly all the time. The thought of taking them anywhere by yourself made you want to hide in bed all day. You were overwhelmed by the responsibility. You had NO clue what you were doing. You were overwhelmed by how much they trusted you and how much they needed you. You were overwhelmed by how much you needed and loved them.

I want you to remember how it felt to lay side by side next to your 4-year-old before he drifted off to sleep. How you talked face to face, nose to nose, about his day. How you told him you were excited to see how much he would grow by the morning, and how in the morning you'd lay in bed next to him and stretch his arms and legs out, exclaiming, "LOOK HOW MUCH YOU GREW LAST NIGHT!" How that put the biggest smile on his face.

I want you to remember what it felt like to hold your 18-month-old on your lap, wrapping your arms around her and laying them on her bulging tummy. How the back of her head and the handful of baby curls at the nape of her neck felt and smelled when you rested your head atop hers.

I want you to know that you were acutely aware of how fast they were growing. Even though many days would pass in the blink of an eye, there would always be a moment when your world would snap to a halt, and you would look at them while they were doing something mundane and normal, and you would be painfully conscious that they were no longer the size they were last week, and that they would never be the size they are at that moment again.

I want you to know that you went to bed every night with one simple wish for the next day. To just do better.

Even though you were tired and challenged, exasperated and overwhelmed, you knew then that you would miss these days... most of them, at least. It was a truth that was hard to live with, and most of the time you ignored it because there was nothing you could do about the passing of time. If you spent your days mourning the ones that had gone by, you'd miss out on the days you were living in.

You knew you were on a light rail, moving at speeds you couldn't comprehend. You had no control over the ride that brought you to where you are today, but believe me when I say you searched so very hard to find the emergency brake.

Please know, please remember that you tried to savor that time. Be at peace, knowing you spent late afternoons curled up with them on the couch, that sometimes you just sat and watched them move and run, that occasionally you took inventory of all the things they'd learned in the last week, and that you appreciated your time with them the best you knew how. Know that despite your very best efforts, there was no way to freeze time.

I promise you, you tried.

Love,
you

New Beginnings

Well things have changed a little, or lot, since the last time I posted anything on here. I think it has been a about a year, but I archived all my old posts so that we can start fresh. That has been the theme for me and the kids for the past six months. Life has been a crazy, rollercoaster ride for us since May but it also seems like it has forever since this all started. I decided it was time to start making a record of our lives again, because things go by so quickly and I want to remember this time of our lives good or bad so that we can see how far we have come and have something to remember all the good within the bad. Describing how tough the past six months has been would be impossible. Everyday things get a little better, and I have two amazing resilient children who are happy and healthy and they remind me every day I have made the right decisions for them. In order to make positive changes in your life you have to make tough decisions. I have learned that it will always get worse before it gets better, but in the end it does get better. Ok... so now for a quick catch up! I started the master program at KU in June in Kansas City. I somehow survived the crazy summer schedule and things settled down once the fall came and school started again. Now I only travel to KC one day every other week. I go to work that day at 7, leave work at 10 to drive to KC, then have class from 12-9, drive home. Its a long day but will be worth it all in the end, if I can make it through! My job has been amazing to me and allowed me to do my internship with them, within my normal work week. God has watched over me and provided me a reasonable schedule that may be crazy and rough on me but that is doable, so I often remind myself that I have been given this amazing opportunity and need to just do it. Other than work, school, and the kids... I try to get out every now and then but mostly just want to sleep if I get a day off!!! Rylee played softball this summer, and loves it. We were approached about putting her on a year round competitive team which we jumped on. She now has practice twice a week for two hours a day at their indoor training facility. She is doing amazing and LOVES it! It really gives her an outlet and she never complains about the busy schedule. She is in 3rd grade now, and does amazing in school. The surprising thing at conferences was the only complaint was my normally loud, vocal daughter will not talk at school. They just wish she'd talk more! Amazing, right?! I will take it though, everyone thinks she is an amazing kid and love her to pieces. Kolton is going to pre-k in the afternoons and is enjoying spending his mornings with Grandma and Grandpa. I was not sure about this arrangement, but I honestly think that they may enjoy having him around more than anyone ever thought! He and Grandpa Terry are buddy’s and I am very grateful for that! Kolton is like a sponge and is learning things at an incredible rate. He is doing addition and subtraction, learning to read and can count to no end! He is such a great kid with a loving heart. He comes up with some pretty funny things and always will give me a hug if he thinks I need it! The teacher told me at his conferences that she has never seen a kid who can retain instructions and stay on task like Kolton! Very proud of him as well! The kids have been through so much in the past six months but are doing great. We have also put our house on the market, and they are both coming around to the idea of moving. Although we have no idea where we are going (I can only handle one thing at a time) they are both open to this and are getting more and more use to the idea everyday! Lastly with this new start, I just want to say that I could not have made it through this time without my family and few close friends. My parents are amazing and supportive and pick up the slack when I don't even see the slack. I know that there have been times that they are frustrated with me for missing something, but just do it anyways and never complain. I would never be able to do what I do without them, and hope that someday I can pay it forward to my own children because I know there is no way I could ever repay my parents for all they have done for me and think that would be the best way to repay them. Not only my parents, but all my family who have reached out to me and provided me support. Although we all don't see each other that often I know that I have your support as well and that to me is comforting. Quentin, Amy, Tyler and Jharon... thank you for putting up with me as well. I can always count on you guys making me smile and offer help when I need it. My friends that have stayed by my side and seen my through tough times are also the ones who I have had in my life forever. Angela, Whitney, and Stephanie you girls are amazing and thank you for listening to me and sometimes just calling and checking up on me! I couldn't do it without all of these people and am so grateful for all the people and things I have in my life to look forward to!